Why Checking All the Boxes Doesn’t Mean You’ve Found the Right Partner

A Natural(ish) Life Reflection on Love, Growth, and Choosing a Partner

“The success of a relationship isn’t measured by how few arguments you have, but by how much respect and curiosity you bring to the ones you do.”
— Esther Perel

Picture two women sitting down over drinks, talking through a breakup. One sighs and says, “Next time, I just want someone who’s handsome, funny, sensitive, affectionate, strong, from a good family, well-educated, and has a great job.”

The perfect checklist.
I had one too.

And when I met a man who checked every single box, I thought, “This is it — this is the one.”

Twelve months later, our marriage was over.

I’m not a relationship expert, but I’ve lived enough life (and made enough mistakes) to know that the “perfect list” doesn’t guarantee a lasting partnership. Someone can look perfect on paper and still not be the person you can build a life — or a family — with.

Through experience, I’ve come to believe that a relationship truly needs just two things:
✨ Chemistry and
✨ Mutual respect.

Everything else changes — looks fade, personalities evolve, circumstances shift — but those two things create the foundation for real connection.

Chemistry

Chemistry is that spark — physical, mental, emotional. It’s the witty banter, the shared laughter, the subtle glances that say, “I see you.” It’s the feeling of moving through life together and still wanting to reach for each other’s hand.

Chemistry evolves over time, but it should always be there — that underlying hum that keeps the relationship alive.

Mutual Respect

This isn’t “respect your elders” kind of respect. It’s the deep, human kind that recognizes your partner as a whole person — flawed, growing, and deserving of empathy.

When you respect someone, you can weather hard seasons together. You can give patience when they’re struggling, celebrate their wins without envy, and speak gently when emotions run high. You can both grow and still meet each other with kindness.

When You Add Family to the Mix

Parenthood brings a new level of intensity to everything.
It’s not exactly difficult — it’s more like beautifully demanding. The days are full: so many personalities under one roof, little minds learning how to regulate big emotions, and parents trying to do the same while running on too little sleep.

Add in the fact that two adults often come from completely different upbringings — different rules, beliefs, communication styles, traditions — and you’ve got quite the blend. Parenting, for all its heart and chaos, is the truest “learn-on-the-job” experience there is.

You can read every book, discuss every scenario, promise yourselves you’ll handle things calmly — but in the moment, theory meets reality. That’s when chemistry and respect matter most.

The teamwork.
The grace.
The ability to look at each other and say, “We’re in this together.”

I’m not saying chemistry and respect are all you need for a successful marriage or family life — but they are a beautiful place to start.

Because when you build your home on those two things, you’re not just creating a partnership.
You’re creating a safe, loving foundation for the little hearts growing up inside it.

A Final Thought

Relationships aren’t perfect — they’re perfectly evolving. Whether it’s the one you share with your partner or the ones you’re building with your children, they’re all living, breathing things that change as we do.

We’re all just doing the best we can — learning, unlearning, softening, and trying again. And when you lead with chemistry and respect — that steady pull toward each other and the gentle regard for who you both are becoming — you create space for growth.

Because love isn’t about having it all figured out.
It’s about choosing to keep growing together, again and again.